21st April 2010 - Wednesday @ 2218hrs

hmmm..dunno wat to say..bt its so sad..

though haven been talking to ge, though its has been a long time..bt he seems so cold these days..mayb he's bz ba..

i wanted to pour out my feelings to him, bt i dun think that i could do that coz mayb he's bz n i dun wan to increase his loads..so mayb keeping all these to myself will b alright rather than sharing it..

sighs..realli miss him dearly..not forgetting alicia jie too ^^..

anyhow, same thing goes to her,,.her work has been piling up since...i dunno when but i know she has been working till late night,sometimes work from home..there's a lot of things for her to handle in her current company.. so same thing goes to her..i couldn share my thoughts wit her..

recently went for an interview for digi's CSO position..they r offering me abt RM 800 for salary n RM 200 for allowance.. its quite low..bt then working in it, i could learn loads of stuff n another thing is it could help me in my interviews for airlines..bt im not sure whether i shud take up e job coz :

1. transportation problem..- i've got no car/bike to work..currently riding comopany's motorbike

2. im stil waiting for a reply from e company in jb..

3. wats holding me back - my mum n sis, st anne's volunteering work

thus, its really hard for me to look for a job,when my mum's pretty demanding,,i know she wans me to live easily but im not sure whether if i listen to her, i will get e job or not..

lately, i've been so frustrated..not sure y..mayb im juz tired..

then jess..she got herself a new job..happy for her.. she went to jb for training last week..n met up wit ge..not sure what they've talk abt,bt im really happy that they've started talking rather than not.. i know that everybody has been disappointed in jess..bt i know tt she's making e effort in turning herself into a better person..so..GAMBATEHNE da jie!!

feel like crying these days..bt its a long long journey for me to move on..im not sure wat my decision will b.. bt i realli do hope that God is leading me to e right way..

10th April 2010 - Saturday @ 2122hrs

not sure wat to say...i dunno where to start..hmm

well i dunno whether i coming up with e rite decisions on my job choice.. shud i go for e same line as in transportation or shud i try out for another line?? bt the thing is, if i choose e transportation line i would b in jb..n its a city that i wan to b livin in..bt im not sure whether or not that e company will hire me.. on the other hand, if i chose some other lines of work i b in, i would hv to stay in penang..

sighs..

lets go into another subject..hmm.. im out of words for jess le.. n there's a secret tat she told me for quite sometime ald n she doesnt wan me to tell somebody else.. bt instead of me telling some1, she told bean herself..

In additional, this week she hasnt been home for two days straight n for tat 2 days i haven seen her not even her soul..i dunno whom that i could refer to bt i've tolerate it for a long time n i've got no choice n im sufferring here, i told ge abt her..not abt the secret bt abt her missing for two days.. coz mum called me up n ask me abt da jie.. Ge advice me to tell mum..bt im not sure whether i shud, coz if i told mum jess would b in trouble n she might get kick out of the house instantly. this has not not happen this once bt this happen twice..In the end, i end up not telling mum abt her stuff, juz go with the flow if mum ask abt jess..

Somehow or rather i know where jess has been staying. now, im not sure whether she's on with e guy or wat.. no matter wat, i really do hope that she'll make e right decisions in her life.

Anyhow, jess told me juz now that she'll b in JB for her company's training abt a week starting from the 15th.. she've tried her v best to tell ge that she's goin down n all..bt ge dint reply her messages..mayb its bcoz jess realli hurt ge this time.. Im really trying to patch things up between jess wit ge n mum...bt im not sure whether im doin the rite thing bt i will try my v best to patch things up for jess, just to make it all better for her..

for she hv told bean b4 that she cant feel the love at home..to me jess is totally missing out the time with me,mum n mei..me,mum n mei mostly hang out/eat/sleep (in e same room)/mostly do everything together..while jess is out wit her friends/dating (e last time)..

N yes, our home has been broken up..by a person who thinks he's a "king" n he's owaz rite..

its not a home that most of e ppl wants to be in.. for me, it sometimes hurts a lot when i see some children's/ my friend's dad who dotes on e family a lot..n sometimes i do cry alone thinking y m i hving this kind of family..

rite now, i really do hope that ge n mum would really forgive jess though she disappoints them real big this time..n i really hope for the best for her n i really hope that she can find the love that she owaz wanted wit us..

n yea im a person who worries abt others 1st than abt her own self..

its has owaz been hard to write my blog..no matter when im in office or @ home..its has owaz been hard to write...

i really miss gege now.. hope to b in his arms all day long..i dun wan2 come back to Penang..rite now..JB is wat i call home..n every time i leave jb, i owaz end up crying..

im so pressured..home,sis,work... bt anyhow i hv to b strong for myself..

its hard for me to make it all better for da jie..n alicia jie n ge told me not to bother abt her anymore..coz she's old enuf to take care of herself..this evening..she ask me, wat do i think of her..i told her that she should wake up n realise wat is she doin to herself,she's e only one who knows wat's she doin to herself n she's old enuf to know wat's right n wat's wrong..she keep asking me whr,how,wat could she do to change herself? whr is her mistake?

the thing is i dunno how to say it to her.

bt im realli realli pressured to b in this home with all these problems keep coming up..im almost bankrupt now.. there's a sum of money that im saving up..n i've told myself i cant touch the sum of money..bt in e end, i ended up touching it...coz im hurt to see mum to give out her money for da jie's b'day party..that's y i took out e $$ to help mum pay..rite now..im almost broke..

jess told me that she'll pay me back..bt how? when? rite now i realli dun care..bt its realli sad n disappointing..to say the truth, i did cried for her..twice..once on my b'day n another time when bean told me abt him n her... i cried becoz of jess..

these days she has been wearing back her spectacles, she told me e reason y..she said she wans2 find her old self back.n i've realised she's been listening to songs that we've listen when we were young, bt i cant see whether she's making any effort in doin it..

ge said..e next times jess falls..he wouldnt b thr to pick her up again..ge is realli mad at her this time..i knw y.. coz most of e time, wat she told ge n me..most of it are all lies..rite now i dunno wat she says its e truth o not..bt still she's my sis..i cant put my hands aside..n not help her in her journey..

n im realli suffering to keep all these secrets that both bean n jess tells me...help?

Disppointments

i talk to ge n ask ge questions.. on why da jie like to lie.. its owaz lies after lies..ge said she has became in to a person where nobody knows who she is now..n then ge dun wan2 care much abt her d..

she said she got nothing to do with e 495 guy..they r juz best friends..bt then e other day i saw her phone's wall paper its a pic of her n e guy..so wat can i say abt that?like as if she got nothing to do with e guy..

yes i know that she's a person who needs attention..bt doesnt she feels that she's owaz so selfish owaz thinking abt her own good? wat abt others? dont others need attentions too? e other day b4 i fly down to jb she bought a neck tie for bean..coz he's goin for a new job starting on monday..i dunno wat's she tinking.. she wans bean o e 495 guy? she told bean b4 that wat e 495 guy can give her n wat bean couldnt give her..isnt it cruel? so rite now she wans to go back to bean n get along with e 495 guy? like e last time? hmm i dun think so...

what's sad is..bro bean is improving himself..thus working on 2 jobs..for wat? its not for himself..its for da jie..he wans da jie to live comfortably with him when they get married... rite now, aft e break up..he's still striving for it..wans to let da jie to b with him again.. bt if she keeps seeing this 495 guy.i dun think its possible for her to get back to bro bean's side.. im so disappointed in her..i cant do much..all i can do is to make it normal for her..n i dun really wan to care much abt her..bt then..in e end she's still my sis..hv to do the part of my job..

ARGGHH!!! its so confusing n torturing to ME!!

21st March 2010 - Sunday @ 1041hours

Im back home! home sweet home.. :) in jb everything feels like home.. I love here living with ge.

on friday night ge n i had mee rebus for dinner, while waiting for alicia jie to prepare herself to join us for supper. so we went to permas jaya for some lok lok..

after that sleep.. sleeping wasnt easy for me.. coz i was nervous for e next day, cause we're goin to singapore for my interview. so i turn n turn, slept i think @ 3am n i automatically woke up @ 5am..geng ler.. :)

E Next Day (Going into Singapore)

ge n i was rushing to singapore's custom so its a long queue for me..coz ge got e pass for singapore as he applied for it. my part was the hardest of all..hv to queue :( b4 that, i trip n fall once i came down from e escalator..i know that im exhausted by walking pretty fast with high heels :) bt i hv to walk still..the bus wont wait for u. n then my legs failed on me..so then i fell..lucky nobody's there to look at me fall..only ge.. otherwise it will b so embarassing..

so it came to e imigration time.. i Q up for it while ge's outside waiting for me..while its my turn to b checked, e imigration officer (lady) took my passport n look at me..mayb its becoz of my new hairstyle n make up she sees me like im not e passport holder..she looked at me quite a number of times..so she ask me whr m i goin to..i answered Sheratons Tower Hotel..then again she asks wat bus did u sit to come to causeway? i said im not sure coz i follow my brother..she ask e same questions at me again..so i answered e same to her..then she ask me whether i got my ID or not..i took it out n gave it to her..well in e end she still doesnt belif that im me..haha :D bt then she let me in..

so we reach sheratons abt 8.15am.. wow long queue! its a lot more than wat i've seen in penang..coz when my interview in penang, i arrive around 8.30am..e queue wasnt that long..i was quite suprise that e queue in Sheratons are way longer than in penang..
so while waiting.. met a guy who's in e same group as i am..i was realli shaking when it came to our turn..so we went into e room..for round 1 interview.. so everybody intro themselves.every1 of us gave them good answers..then while we're out frome room..i was so shaking so badly.. bt then..to my dismay i got disqualified again.. bt then its over.. at least i did my best..a sigh of relieve came out from me.. :) bt then i dun feel like talking..mayb its e sadness took over me.

so e whole way back home, i dint utter a word until ge ask me wat question did they ask..i juz replied n kept quiet..anyhow after that i got over it.@ night ge brought me to his family gathering..lucky that i got bring my some so called formal long sleeved shirt n came..or else i will b wearing a t-shirt n jeans..im bored thr bt lucky Persis is thr..sitting right next to me.. so we've chatted.. :)
n come to think of it, his family is quite warm..all of us chatted n all..though some part of it i was bored till death..haha..

so right now im at home..while ge went for his badminton game..waiting for him to come home..

7th March 2010 Sunday @ 2133hrs

today its a v nice day to spend around...went n return e pots n woks to grandma..went to jusco for lunch with mum n mei..n in e aftnn visit casendra...

Casendra's giving birth somewhr in april..bt she doesnt look like she's pregnant..she looks like she put on weight only..haha..lets hope that her baby boy comes out healthy...

anyway, my neck is swollen again..n not knowing y..or how come..mayb e hyperthyroidism is back again..sighs.. its a very difficult illness of mine can b cured..i really hope that it wont get swollen when im down in singapore for my interview..

another thing is..da jie's down in jb with gege..spending her great n fun time with him..i really hope that she'll have fun n think of e rest later..recently she juz broke off with her bf, bean...im not sure why is e reason..bt e cause of it might b e 495 guy...so yesterday was her 21st b'day celebration..sadly ge cant b here neither does her bf...n there goes to the friends that she invited over for e party...bt her friends from sch really did came..

when her party was goin on..my friends couldnt make it coz one of them is sick, there make e whole group of friends not coming..so i kept myself bz..bringing food,drinks..washing n cleaning..(no time for chit chatting though..)while mei, da jie, Him, mum is doin their own stuff by chit chatting with realtives n friends...

rite now i realised its not really good n convenient to do ur own buffet..although its cheap..bt e washing n stuff r realli tiring..n my feet hurts! ouch! so next year is my 21st b'day year..im saving up to make it in a hotel..with food n Blasting stereos! im making it much better for my 21st b'day...

thus the week after its my interview for S.I.A., sighs, i realli hope that i could make it in this time.Friends n Family please Pray for me...!

3rd March 2010 - Wednesday @ 1059hrs

after goin for so many interviews for cabin crew...SIA,MAS... still i cant get in..e 1st round of interview..kena kick out... SIA was jus recently...i got my hopes up for it..n mayb i was too nervous during e interview...n that's why i got kick out...after they announced that im not in e list for 2nd round interview...my heart's broken...

I've been preparing it for so long.. n its juz got my hopes down again..shud i go for e next SIA's interview on 20th March? i dunno wat to do...bt everybody is asking me to go for it..Shud i go for it?